Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The Sins
A very good and pious Jew, Samuel Goldberg, man dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven.
When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time... Nothing but mitzvahs. [Mitzvah: Good deed]
Now, other than God, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."
The angel thought for a moment and then said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."
The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his home. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, a 79 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his bedroom. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.
Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on.
Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Oy, Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've just done!"
When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time... Nothing but mitzvahs. [Mitzvah: Good deed]
Now, other than God, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."
The angel thought for a moment and then said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."
The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his home. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, a 79 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his bedroom. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.
Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on.
Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Oy, Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've just done!"
Friday, May 14, 2010
Before And After Marriage
Before Marriage
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage...
Simply read from bottom to top.
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage...
Simply read from bottom to top.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Modern Heights
1. What is height of Fashion?
A. Dhoti with a zip .
************ **
2. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.
************ **
3. What is height of Active laziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
************ **
4. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.
************ **
5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
************ **
6. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
************ **
7. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
************ **
8. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
************ **
9. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder.
************ **
A. Dhoti with a zip .
************ **
2. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.
************ **
3. What is height of Active laziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
************ **
4. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.
************ **
5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
************ **
6. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
************ **
7. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
************ **
8. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
************ **
9. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder.
************ **
Monday, April 5, 2010
Funniest Newspaper Adz
Top 9 Funniest News paper Classifieds
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
************ *
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)
************ *
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
(sure...thanx for the warning!)
************ *
3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)
************ *
4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)
************ *
5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)
************ *
6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)
************ *
7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
(uh...huh!)
************ *
8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)
************ *
9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work)
************ *
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
************ *
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)
************ *
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
(sure...thanx for the warning!)
************ *
3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)
************ *
4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)
************ *
5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)
************ *
6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)
************ *
7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
(uh...huh!)
************ *
8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)
************ *
9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work)
************ *
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